In Which We Will Be Good, For Goodness Cake

(Ahem)

Deck-orate your cakes with icing
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Make them look nice and enticing
Fa la la la, la la la la.



Force them on your friends and neighbours.
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Cry if they refuse your labours.
Fa la la la la, la la la la!



If the season has you cringing,
Fa la la la, la la la la.



Deal with that through constant binging.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.



If your cake looks quite despondent
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.



Cover that shit up with fondant.
Fa la la la la, la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa!

And… It’s not just the season of the diabetic coma. It’s also the season of forgiveness. This means that if you make an abortion of a cake ruining one of the holidays’ most beloved characters (to protect the innocent, we’ll just call him Budolph), Jesus will forgive you.



He won’t be happy about it, but He’ll let this one slide.

God bless us, everyone.

In Which We Yell, Peppermint! Hark!

Oh wait. Peppermint Bark.

You may have noticed that this is not cake. But in the spirit of Christmas we decided to show compassion to other Christmas treats. Peppermint Bark is delicious all year round, but if you pull out a hunk of it in June, your friends will all know that those candy canes have been sitting in your pantry for six months. That’s right, they’re onto you. Lucky for us it is Christmas time! Hark! The bark cometh!

Chocolate. Yes.



If this doesn’t turn you on a little you may be reading the wrong blog.



SMASH!



This step is the main difference between Peppermint Bark and regular tree bark.




SMASH SMASH!



Fin.

In Which We Find The True Meaning Of Christmas

And lo, the angel of the flour appeared before them, and the glory of the sugar shone around them, and they were sore afraid. But mostly hungry.



And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold.



I bring you tidings of great flavor, which shall be to all people, if you properly combine the ingredients and bake at 375 degrees.



For unto you is baked this day in the city of Hogtown a series of Christmas cakes which belittle this most beautiful and sacred of holidays.



And this shall be a sign unto you: ye shall find dragees, which are actually quite difficult to come by.



And I command thee to crush candy canes into buttercream icing, and cover it with chocolate ganache, creating a holy trinity of Christmas flavors. And when our powers combine, we become Captain Planet. No…wait. Ok, forget that last bit. Just make a holy Christmas trinity.



And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising cake and saying:



Glory to eggs in the highest, and on earth good cake toward girls.

In Which We Grow Older

The only reason it is acceptable to become a year older is because it is tradition to mark this horrendous occasion with a delicious cake. Birthdays, the reason cake became a celebrity.

On particularly shocking milestone birthdays, the only way to seek consolation is in a cake so absurd it ceases to make any sense at all. There is neither rhyme nor reason. There is neither here nor there. There is just cake. This cake.



Happy 25th birthday… You poor bastard.



Cake is the ruler of all brunch. He sits on his throne, mocking his subjects.



Looks like mangled carcass. Just like the soul after 25 years.

So delicious. So melancholy.
We can't outrun time (especially after eating cake.)