In Which Auld Acquaintance Shall Be Forgot

All ye wee ladies and lassies best raise a glass to Scotland’s favorite son, Robbie Burrrrrrrrrrrrns.

Oh, sorry, that’s Robbie Burns.

What better excuse than Robbie Burns day to make a traditional Scottish Cake?

What apparently makes it Scottish is that it contains honey and whiskey.What really makes it Scottish is that we make it while drunk and listening to The Proclaimers.

But, as you’ll see from the following timeline, alcohol has absolutely no impact on our ability to bake.

3:00pm: Plan to make extremely traditional Scottish Whiskey and Honey cake. Begin with traditional adding of wet ingredients to dry ingredients. First, should taste key wet ingredient to ensure high quality. All other ingredients indubitably fine.

3:15: Where the hell did that whiskey go? I have to go get more, some asshole drunk it all, I’ll be right back.

3:16 WHERE THE HELL ARE MY KEYS? YOU TOOK THEM, DIDN’T YOU? DIDN’T YOU!?

3:18 Oh, here they are. Ok, nobody bake without me!

3:40 Home! I fell once. Better taste this new whiskey. Wouldn’t want it to compromisse cake’s integ78ity. Man, I love the Proclaimers.

3:45 Turn the Proclaimers off, for the love of God, or I will cut you. Into your oven, mildly spicy and apple-y smelling cake. Why is there whiskey, AND orange juice, AND coffee in you? You better be delicious, cake, or you are in for a world of pain. I feels like fighting.

4:30 This looks terrible. I’m terrible. Everything sucks. The only friend I have is you, empty bottle of gin.

4:31 Oh, the oven wasn’t on. Ok, I am supposed to leave you in until fifteen past whiskey, drinky cake.

4:45 I don’t know why people always go on about alcohol. Everything is ferpectly nine. I dake better while brunk. Little pixies circling my head anxious to eat magic cake.

5:15 Oooooh. Time to dress this little Scot up.

The type of tartan you use indicates what clan you are from in Scotland.

I am from the MacYummy clan. We are well known for our round physiques and general surliness before noon. We conquered hunger in the Battle of Denny’s, but it’s not very well documented because most of us fell asleep immediately after.

We are a proud, if pudgy people, banished to the Scottish moors after we embarrassed ourselves by eating that entire can of icing in one sitting.

7:00 Now, to attend a civilized gathering of fellow scholars looking to celebrate the birth of one of poetry’s greatest. Will no doubt be stimulating and enriching affair. Looking forward to discussing scansion and meter whilst listening to concertos on the victrola. Have had perfect amount of alcohol to feel socially lubricated but still charming and in control.

(SCENE MISSING)

8:00 WE SHOULD ALL GO SWIMMING RIGHT NOW!

8:10 An’ then this guy shows up. Who the hell is this guy? You show up here, lookin’ at mee wif yer eyes in yer face, and you just….hey, where’d you get that cake?

8:15 Long live Scotland and all zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………….